Installment Twenty-Nine

I'm wondering today whether crystal balls are for sale on e-Bay.

I don't mind a used one either so long as it managed to give its previous owner (probably a woman since we like to be organized) a proper glimpse into her future. That's how desperate I am to feel settled again. I can't afford another psychic reading in Argentina.

Perched here in my tiny apartment on a 'bar stool' constructed from three un-opened moving boxes stacked high with a cushion I placed on top, I once again find myself writing out loud my feelings of disconnection and frustration.

Every time I think: aha! this is what I will do, it turns out it is not what I will do. The blind alleys I have been running down and documenting here are growing narrower and narrower. My eye sight is as blurred as my thinking.

I'm feeling marginalized by everyone around me here in Ottawa and ignored by friends from my previous life, despite my recent phone call with Sam.

Christ, this woe is me crap is even getting to me!

Enough!

Here, therefore, are my top five reasons why my life is wonderful. I'm going to print this out and make sure I make enough copies so that everywhere I look, I will feel grateful. Stick with me. Maudlin, sentimental, yes; antidote to a pity party, also yes.

I am in good health for a 53-year-old woman.

Above all else, what the hell do I have to complain about if I don't have cancer of something? If I can try again to buy a gym bra that won't cut off my circulation or gross out a sales clerk drafted to get it off me, I may even get healthier through exercise.

My darling children are also in good health and starting their lives.

Maybe my daughter's new boyfriend makes me feel as old as cheese and I'm pissed with my son for moving to Beijing, but I am patting myself on the back for raising good kids who are leading their own lives. And don't need their mother anymore. Oops, negativity seeping in.

I am not living in my car.

This is partly because I don't own one. But despite my economic uncertainty, I seem to have access to all the potato chips I can eat and a roof over my head. Hey, I’m only at my third reason to carry on living, and already, I'm beginning to feel better. Motivated even.

I am Canadian.

I was going to save this one for last but I am so grateful I can see Dr. Larry once a week and have my fellow countrymen/women pay for it with their tax dollars. In fact, I will tell him about this list first thing at our next meeting!

I still have my sense of humour.

I buried the lead.