Installment Thirty

"You seem brighter today, Joelly. Where you would you put your mood on a scale..."

"...I'm about a seven today I think," I said quickly.

I needed to shut down Dr. Larry's little mood scale because it drives me crazy. That can't be a good thing when you are visiting your shrink.

"Did something in particular happen to raise your spirits?"

"Actually, a lot has happened since we last met." Read my blog why don't you.

Of course, I was being terribly unfair. I had not worked up the nerve yet to give him the URL of this blog, even though it was his idea for me to start one. Suffering as I do from the disease to please I didn't want him reading it for obvious reasons. Like this posting, as just one example, and every other time I have mocked him.

He really has provided wonderful support for me and doesn't deserve my barbs. See, I want to please him even when I'm making fun of him. I am nuts.

We stared at one another for a few minutes.

"Did you start taking the anti-depressants again?" Since behavior is now apparently medicated, it was a reasonable question.

"No." I didn't tell him I was self-medicating with white wine.

"I'm stumped then, unless you want to share with me why you seem a bit perkier than the last time you were here."

What could I say?

Maybe my HRT is firing into my body on more efficient cylinders, keeping my moods steadier as I ride the hormonal roller coaster. In true menopausal form, though, I can't remember if I even told Dr. Larry that I was taking estrogen.

Like every other male doctor who has never woken up in a nightgown that could be rung out like a facecloth (three times a night no less), he doesn't get why women with severe symptoms of menopause may not be in a rush to return to a bedtime sauna.

"I think I'm getting over my re-entry culture shock to Canada. The reverse kind I gave you a book about for women like me. Life is coming back into the proper focus."

"What is it you see so clearly now Joelly?"

"I wouldn't exactly choose the word 'clearly', but...and this is going to sound incredibly trite and Oprah like..." I told him about my gratitude list. I left out the part where Juliet, when I told her about my list on one of our walks, pronounced fuck gratitude!

"Hmmm."

I have a breakthrough and all I get is 'hmmm'?

"Could you expand on that?"

I know you're free, but I think a few more words could be helpful.

"Why don’t you expand on your comment about gratitude?"

"Do you ever come right out and say what's on your mind?"

"Okay. I'm worried about you."

WTF?

"How the hell can you be worried about me when I came in here today in the most chipper mood I've been in for weeks, feeling motivated to get on with my life in some fashion whatever it's supposed to be, incredibly grateful for all that is good in my life..."

"Now you're talking."

Touché to Dr. Larry, the good doctor is very good.